Archive for June, 2010

We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.
June 30, 2010

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Struggling to find a place between passion and practicality.

Is their life after youth.
June 30, 2010

I hate it when people state the obvious.
Like “The road will be wet when it rains.”
It’s like, Oh My God, are you serious.
Today Mum and i drove past Nan and ‘Pops’ house.
Out the front was Pop’s little yellow ute.
Mum goes. “We sold his ute today Ellie, this will be the last time you will see it.”
It made me feel like shit, you know.
As if i want to think about someone else sitting in my pop’s car.
The car that i used to drive up to the farm in, changing gears for him.
Sitting in the tray with Claire, driving fast, the wind through my hair.
Loading hay for the baby calves onto the tray.
Counting cobwebs.
A car that has many memories for one person, being passed on.
You might think, it’s just a car.
But to me, it’s another part of my Popa, that’s gone forever.
Sad.

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Unnecessary wants.
June 30, 2010

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Boots. Cardigan. Kitten. Please?

90.
June 30, 2010

Let go of someone, although it might be the hardest thing to do.

Eat a whole chocolate slab by myself.

Dance in the rain

Write an anonymous love letter to someone.

Read a whole book in a day.

Ten out of the way, two i prefer not to say for some people might not agree with my decisions.
Although this is my blog, hm. Might post them later.

Intimacy remixed.
June 29, 2010

Today’s Natural highs:
3 months baby, i love you more and more everyday.
$1.oo cheeseburgers.
Seeing Morgan and Angel, who i miss dearly at school.
You playing guitar.
Your sweet scent.
Helium balloon’s out the window.
Sleep in.
Omegle.
Sweet music to my ears.
LC.

Once upon a time,
I believed that if you tried really hard you could feel God in the pockets of sunlight coming in through the window.
I thought if i could trap the light in my palms it would fill me like love, joy, peace and contentment does.
I would lay on my bedroom floor for hours, holding my hands in the tiny rays.
I believed in light, that by thinking hard enough, i could see God in every molecule that exists
If i try hard enough now, i sometimes catch a glimpse of this faith again.
It never lasts long, and you can’t put a finger on it.
But i know it’s there.

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friends.
June 28, 2010

Do you ever get inspired by music, well i do.
Today in class i was listening to Love The Way you Lie by Eminem and Rhianna.
And i started thinking about all the great people in my life.
I ended up staring at one of them, just across the room from me.
She’s new this year, and i don’t have the courage to tell her but i am so glad she came to this school.
Shes one of those rare girls you come across, that understand, that listen, that keep things safe.
I used to honestly think. “What is this girl on.”
She come to the school with so much confidence, asked so many questions.
For a while i thought she was being nosy, but now i understand.
She wanted to get to know people, i guess in a way she wanted to get to know me.
I admire her courage, her values and her herself.
Thank you Samantha Bratton, your a true friend.

Another person i got thinking about was one of my best friends.
I love the simplicity of our friendship, you know.
No fights, no silly drama, no expectations.
Just me and her, against the world.
We understand each other so well, shes one of those friends were you don’t have to ask, you just act.
We share a locker, we share interests, we share friends, we share clothing, we share inspiration.
I’ve taken her for granted in the past.
But no one knows me better than her, i love it.
I want to tell her how amazing she is, i want to embrace her and cry because she is so special to me.
But i won’t because no one does sappy shit anymore.
So instead i am going to write this blog post, which she will never read and smile.

I can’t tell you what it really is, i can just tell you what it feels like.
June 28, 2010

Hear me cry.
Hear me lie.
Hear my voice.
Hear me.

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Today it rained, a lot.
Me and Lauren danced in the rain, with laughter.
I existed at that moment, i felt the rain on my skin.
And i smiled a real smile, because it is the simple things like that that surprise me.
I have already finished my book that i was talking about previously.
I recommended it to a friend, she read half, but couldn’t tolerate how harsh it was.
She returned it, and yet again i recommended it to another friend.
She’s finding it hard to read.
I don’t understand how they can’t handle it, it honestly bemused me.
Things like that, dark, painful, depressing, books, movies, quotes, pictures they are my inspiration.
What does that say about myself?
I think i need to surround myself with happy things, maybe that would change my mood?
Maybe then i would not be influenced to do the things i do.
Maybe then i would appreciate the world.

i wonder if you will remember?

Paper Cranes.
June 28, 2010

A Child Called ‘It’
June 28, 2010

An extract from the book i am reading at the moment:

P.66 The kitchen became so quiet i could hear Father’s strained breathing. He gently placed his hand on my shoulder and said “Wait there, Tiger. I’ll see what i can do.” He returned a few minutes later, after trying to talk Mother out of her demand. By the saddened look on his face, i knew immediately who’d won.
I sat on a chair and picked the clumps of regurgitated hot dogs out of the bowl with my hand. Globs of thick saliva slipped through my fingers, as i dropped it in my mouth. As i tried to shallow, i began to whimper. I stared at Father who turned away to avoid my pain. At that moment i hated Mother to no end, but i hated Father even more. The man who had helped me in the past, just stood like a statue while his son ate something even a dog wouldn’t touch.”

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I’ve already read this before, but it amazes me.
How a child, boy, man has escaped so much pain.
It makes me wonder about how good my life really is, how i take the love and kindness of my family for granted.
I spend the majority of my time fighting with them, when i really should be thanking them, all day everyday.

I did something bad last night.

Something is missing.
June 27, 2010

I don’t love me.

Thats why i don’t understand, how you do.

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